Trying to create a healthy vessel for a baby

I will be able to do well for a while, but then I will face a day where my world seems to be crumbling, and all I want to do is eat chips and bean dip. And, then perhaps later eat hamburgers with friends after going to a wine.

For those of you paying attention to my blog, you know I am trying to lose between twenty and thirty pounds over the next six months. I have gone back on birth control, because I am taking Enbrel for my arthritis. It is a good drug. It has allowed me to move down on my prednisone.

I am going to try to do some research on healthy foods for conception. Here are some suggestions that I have read so far:

• Citrus fruit - they have a high vitamin C content which has been shown to improve fertility levels
• Sunflower seeds and nuts for the zinc content
• Brown rice, oat, pulses and green vegetables for B vitamins. Vitamin B6 is particularly important as it helps to metabolise hormones like estrogen, which could assist you in getting pregnant. B6 is also good for pregnant women as it breaks down hormones that cause morning sickness, so having plenty of vitamin B6 in the diet can prevent or lessen morning sickness
• Oily fish for omega 3, or if you are a vegetarian, linseed or flaxseeds on your breakfast cereal
• Drink plenty of water and herb or fruit teas instead of coffee

http://bastyrcenter.org/content/view/595/

Bastyr University which is the naturopathic university in the Seattle area has done studies on how zinc improves fertility. The one question I have is how important is it to take coffee out of your diet? I love coffee and am probably addicted....

Husband's Desire to Adopt a Two Year Old

Last Friday night, my husband and I are out to dinner at the Keg. I foolishly decide to ask my husband, in his perfect world, what age of child would he like to adopt? After pausing and giving it some thought, he answers, "I want a two year old." He then proceeds to explain his feelings about babies, and how he feels he would bond better with a toddler. He listed the main reasons that anyone lists about the inconveniences of babies, lack of sleep, the inability to communicate with them, the 24-7 neediness they have, etc. My friend has explained to me the biological reasons for why my husband wants a two year old.

This doesn't change the deep seeded desire inside of me, that really wants a baby, and wants to pick out cribs, and baby clothes, and feed the baby, and bathe the baby, and I could go on. I don't think I can just turn this desire off. I am not sure how my husband is going to respond, when I tell him this. I think he knows there is a good chance this is going to be my response.

If my husband gets the promotion, he just interviewed for, we are going to start the adoption process while engaging in round two of fertility treatment in six months. I want a baby or child by the time I graduate from my masters in education program, or I want to be close to having one.

Why does everyone suggest surrogacy?

If I had a nickel for every time someone has suggested I get a surrogate, I would be a multimillionaire. What people don't understand is that my problem isn't with carrying a child! I can carry a child, from everything doctors have told me. I just can't seem to ovulate! I think people also don't understand that surrogacy is even more expensive than IVF. You have to pay for the surrogate to have health insurance and possibly be unemployed for a year! Here is an article that discusses some of the issues around surrogacy:

http://pregnancy.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Average_Cost_of_Surrogacy

Besides the impractical aspects of surrogacy for middle class people, there is also the emotional issues around surrogacy! I can't wrap my head around the idea of another woman carrying my child. I guess you could ask me, "well in adoption another woman carried your child to term." To me that is different. I have the option of not knowing the birth mother personally, with adoption. With surrogacy, I would know the birth mother, and I would struggle with not being jealous and wanting to hate the surrogate mother. I get mad every time I hear some of my friends say that they hated having a baby, but are now happy that their child is a toddler. I also get mad when friends who have been able to have a child with ease, tell me I am not missing anything. That's like the married woman who tells the single woman, "Oh, you are so lucky, that you don't have an annoying husband like me!" When I was single, and married women would say annoying things like that to me, I would want to bitch slap them and then contemplate stealing their husbands. But, alas I digress. I imagine it is emotional challenging for women who have chosen the surrogacy option, and I send good thoughts to them in their endeavors. I have just decided for myself, that I do not have the emotional wiring to go through that process.

New Year's Resolutions

1. Exercise every day.
2. Lose 30 pounds.
3. Clean house every other day.
4. Write Grandparents a letter, once a month.
5. Knit Christmas presents.
6. Go to book clubs.
7. Have Girl's Night Out, at least every two months.
8. Do something sweet for husband, once a month.
9. Start Family.
10. Be Happy.

Holidays, Family and Infertility

I am sure this is a common story, where your family, particularly mothers, know you are trying to get pregnant, and you go home for Christmas, and they remind you about how your womb is aging every second! Or they comment about your weight, which you gained from taking that DAMN CLOMID THAT DID NOT WORK!!!!!

It hasn't been all bad. I have enjoyed visiting my parents, step-parents, aunts, uncles, grandmother, and grandfather. Skiing today was good.

I can't remember what my last blog said, so if I repeat myself I am terribly sorry.

I have autoimmune arthritis that is like RA. I take plaquenil and prednisone every day. My rheumatologist wants me to take Enbrel, since I cannot seem to get off of prednisone, which also causes diabetes, osteoporosis, and makes you fat (when you have been taking it for a long period of time). I should not get pregnant while taking Enbrel, so that means I will probably be going on birth control for the six month sabatical from fertility meds. This should hopefully allow me to lose weight.

For example, skiing has caused my knees to swell up like grapefruits.

With all of this going on, I have tried to avoid topic of my fertility issues. And, my husband and I are contemplating adoption if he gets promoted after Jan. 7th.

It is kind of sad, but my arthritis has just added a new layer to my fertility issues. I went inside a Baby's R' Us to use the restroom while shopping at a strip mall in Boise, and I literally felt like someone was kicking me in the stomach, the entire time I was there. I can't look at cribs still.

So, I ask myself, am I ready to adopt, if the sight of cribs makes me ill? My family really does love me. But, they are so good at reminding me that I just turned 30. I actually am doing well with the fact that I turned 30, but it is easier in Seattle than Boise to feel good about being 30 and not having a child yet. There seems to be a lot of older parents in Seattle. It is quite common. I swear every time I go out in Boise, I see ten pregnant teenage girls.

Speaking of family, my cousin who's wife just had a baby has decided to ignore me this trip. It's very bizarre, but in a way, I am relieved. This particular cousin actually had a shot gun wedding, and not that there is anything wrong with that, but in addition to that fact, they were not ready for a baby and didn't really want one. For those of you who are in a similar boat as me, and you want to avoid the new baby in the family, apparently all I had to do was politely invite my cousin to dinner, and this was offensive to him some how, so they didn't show up. This particular cousin who had the shotgun wedding is very religious and politically conservative, and I have a feeling my husband and I who are very liberal offended him on Facebook.

On a happier note, I had a dream the other day of a young hispanic girl in an orphanage asking me to be her mother. I think perhaps my unconscious mind is becoming comfortable with adoption.

I hope everyone who reads this is having a Merry Christmas!

Trying to find some solace

Why does anyone want to be a parent?

My husband decided after going to a funeral for our friend's mom, that it was really important for us to have a family. I think that when we see death, we realize we want to have company on this journey through life. Two people is not enough. Everyone has friends, but friends are not the same as family.

Why do I want to have a baby? Well, this probably sounds crazy to some, but I think it would be fun to wear maternity clothes. I also want to experience growing a human inside me. It is a unique female experience that I want to have, and something I always thought I would get to have.

I think for men, because they don't ever identify with that experience, adoption is more acceptable to them. In either experience, they get a baby at the end of the day. At least for my husband, he doesn't seem to be to bothered by the fact that we might end up adopting. I don't mean to minimize the pain of men with infertility issues. I am sure there are many men out there who really want a child of their own. But, I still think the act of conceiving a child and carrying it, is a unique female experience, and when we are robbed of this experience, it sucks.

My religious background probably fuels these feelings. I am not a practicing Mormon, but I was Mormon for a while. In this religion, motherhood is everything, and so I spent a lot of time imagining what that would be like.

Can I be happy adopting a baby? Yes, I think so. I will probably always be sad, if I never got to carry a child. But, I will cross hell, to start a family any way I can.

Feminism and Motherhood

Feminism and motherhood-can these two words go in the same sentence? Are feminists women who pursue careers, money, and success only? I think this is a stereotype of feminism. I think the true meaning of feminism is the ability for women to chose their destinies. I think some unfortunate results of feminism, is that some women don't understand how infertility can be painful for any woman. I have found this to be the case. Smart, intelligent successful feminist friends of mine are not sympathetic towards me or anyone else who has infertility issues. I think it is this way, because motherhood has been devalued by feminism. I don't think that was the original intent of the Feminist movement.

How do we influence the Feminist movement to value motherhood? If more feminist women valued motherhood, would there be a bigger push for infertility treatments to improve and perhaps we could lower the costs? I started thinking about these issues, because I joined a Feminist Book Club tonight.